Say Goodbye

I guess life is like that - you get a really high high, and then you're presented with a really low low.

I'm playing my Soothe Your Soul playlist right now, and there can only be two reasons I'm playing it - I have a lot of work to do and I need soothing music accompaniment, or I'm depressed.

Today it's the latter.

And it kinda ties in with the high I blogged about a few days ago, which makes everything a bummer. Or not, I dunno.

There have been a lot of instances where I've felt like I don't matter to anyone. And while I've been able to brush this aside pretty damn well (aside from me ranting here, of course), it doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all.

So, every once in a while (okay every single time) I feel like I've been used and underappreciated, I rant. Here.

This outlet has served me well and good so far. So here goes.

For three years, I've put in my hard work, but today it seems like I've been made a clown for it. I've been fighting for what I believe I deserve, but somehow, I guess I've wasted all that time fighting. Because it was not enough.

It was never enough in the first place. I tried to grow and develop, I tried to expand and diversify and while I have been given little opportunities here and there, everything can be taken away from me with one simple decision.

It's just business. I get it. I'm ruthless too. But I cannot help but feel angry. It's a natural reaction, I suppose.

Angry at the situation, of which I have no control over. My voice doesn't make a significant enough difference, you see. (And that is why my life's goal is to always make sure that I make a difference.)

Angry at myself, because I'm wondering if I have made a wise decision for myself three years ago. I have learnt some, but I have always been hungry for more. What can I say? I'm very ambitious, and I am very confident of myself. Did my decision allow me growth? Was I silly to put faith in that decision and then to hope for the best?

The thing is, we never know what the future holds, so we have to go with the flow. Whatever comes, we have to deal with it.

But I've been getting very tired of ranting like this lately. Ok fine, for some time now.

I'm not being heard. I'm simply taking my displeasure out on a keyboard and screaming at a computer screen that won't answer me nor give me any solutions or lend some much-needed comforting words.

And so here it comes.

The good news for me is that I am getting away from everything - from the fake concern, from the pathetic attempts of pats on my back, telling me things like, "Your time will come." and "It's not as wonderful where I'm at, like you think". Away from the schemes of the leaders trying to mask supremacy attempts with weak gibberish. Away from this painted picture of green fields that only allows space for people who are colourblind and can only accept green.

Sometimes I don't even know if I should be happy with what I can get, or if I should fight for what is right.

The bad news is that I suddenly feel like I handed my self-worth on a platter to everything I was fighting against. I feel like "Goodbye" will be met with "Who cares?"

And while I've prepared myself for that reply, again, it doesn't mean that it will not affect me at all.

The statement I wanted to make with my goodbye now feels like an effort in vain.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much. It is December, after all. The month I loathe the most, because it is the month when the fake make their comeback in the worst way possible - gifts and wishes to everyone and anyone just because.

But my intuition is always right. Always.

만약 외롭다고 느낀다면 뒤돌아봐요
지금 혼자라서 슬프다면 뒤돌아 봐요

니가 힘들때나 슬플때
외로워 할때도 또 이별 앓고서
아파할때도 니 눈물 닦아준

D-182